Cabin Fever

On Sept 16 I started physical therapy (PT), or as I like to call it, rehab. Part of my PT venue choice was that it is so close to my residence - less than a 5 minute drive, even in heavy traffic. This was important when I was working and carrying on life before my new knee. Now I am looking at things from a very different perspective.

My wonderful husband drove me to my first post-knee rehab appointment. My wound is fresh, my activity tolerance is not vast. It was over before the chill was gone from my water bottle. Could I wait a bit before calling him to collect me? Hello, could we run through the car wash? Any errands, I'll sit in the car. Let's go watch the progress of the new church building. Can we go watch the grass grow at the park? The trees sway in the breeze? Can we drive down any boulevard in Bakersfield and just count pedestrians? Any highway just to see where it goes? After the car wash and the church construction, my husband was on to me. He made a slow but relentless beeline for home. He drove these minor errands every day, by necessity. He had no interest. I concealed my desperation.

After all, I am a homebody, usually content to spend long hours without excursions into the "outside world." I am content to stare out the window and contemplate. I actually avoid running errands around town. But now, when the freedom to go whenever I wish is removed from me, suddenly I crave it. Words of the famous Joni Mitchell song come to mind. A walk around the block would be a big night out. A road trip, anywhere, would be a vacation. My world has contracted to a few rooms of my home, and very limited activities. Similar to so many human situations, just the knowing that I could expand it if I wanted to, would make such a huge difference.

I am whining. My world will soon enough re-expand. I think about those souls, so many, who really do have no choice. Whether by birth, circumstance, or cosmic karma they are locked into existences that most of us would consider nearly untenable. Do they know it? Some do, some do not. The blissfully unaware soldier on, examples of true simple living. The others, those to whom freedom has been denied, seethe with thwarted desire.